by Jen Braaksma

For 17 years, I walked into the same high school every day. My students changed, the books I taught in my English classes changed, but my love of teaching stories never did.

Then the pandemic hit and we shifted to many, many different versions of online learning. Only, I was as old-school of a teacher as you could get. I still made my students hand write assignments in class. My shift into the digital age was a steep slope. But I managed. I’d never been opposed to technology—it just didn’t seem to like me very much.

But it did get me thinking. For years, I’d written novels on the side, my pastime and my passion. I’d also become a certified book coach, and launched a side business helping writers start and finish their novels and memoirs (ironically, a fully digital enterprise). Could I, should I, quit my very steady, very secure permanent, full-time job—with summers off—to jump into the crazy world of writers and entrepreneurs?

It was financial folly, despite my immense privileges (a pension down the road, a husband with a well-paying job). But we have two teen daughters soon to enter university, car payments, a mortgage and other trappings of a middle-class suburban life. Like needing to buy a new roof.

More than that, it was selfish. Moms and wives are supposed to put everyone else’s needs above their own, right? I would be upending the comfort of our lives—during a worldwide upheaval as it was—for, what? To follow a dream, a fool’s errand? I was 47 years old. I had responsibilities. I couldn’t go traipsing off into the wild writing yonder, not without letting down my family. They would have to give up things they were used to—restaurants, travel, extra-curricular activities.

Oh wait. We couldn’t do any of that anyway.

And you know what? My kids were doing okay. They missed their friends, they missed their activities, but they were managing, like we all were. They’d be okay if I took the plunge into the unknown, right?

And so I did. And is there any surprise that my kids are still alright? Yes, we’ve had to make adjustments to our lifestyle. Yes, there are financial challenge, especially in this current economy. But the sacrifices have been worth it. My debut novel is being published in August. I have the most amazing roster of clients.

I still worry how my decisions continue to affect my family. I still struggle with guilt. I held onto my reservations, even as my daughter picked up the first copy of my book.

“Aren’t you excited, Mom?”

“I don’t know, maybe it wasn’t worth it.”

“Mom,” she said, “you’re worth it.”

Kids. They always have to get in the last word, even about their mothers’ existential midlife crises.

Thank goodness they do.